Growing up, I was told that I didn’t need a man for anything and that I would die without a “stable” job.
One of those is true.
I spent my twenties putting my psychology degree to good use as a social worker in NYC. At the same time I alternated between attracting super controlling people, and people without a strong sense of self. I didn’t like either option in a romantic partner.
I loved the challenges and independence my work provided me, but my romantic life was… unsatisfying, to say the least. I would date one person, they would cheat, then I would close off my heart and try to mend it by dating multiple people. Over and over again.
I knew what I wanted: intimacy, support, and understanding. Oh, and guilt-free, fantastic sex. (I was raised Catholic - it didn't stick.)
After discovering my intuitive gifts in my late 20s, I released my “stable” job and started a successful business using these gifts to support others. I am one of New York's Top Psychics (named by Time Out New York) and in 2018 won the Best Psychic in NYC award.
When I met "The Wasband" as I call him (the guy I married and divorced), I was 31. I was tired of the same old bar scene and dating patterns I had fallen into. I was looking to connect with someone sexually and spiritually. I also wanted to start a family. I thought this man was the answer to what I had been seeking.
When we met my business was thriving, and after a few years, I was making six figures with my coaching practice - teaching people how to trust their inner guidance. I just didn’t realize that my power and success felt threatening to The Was.
I grew up the youngest of three siblings, and so criticism wasn’t something new to me. I was used to it, I could take it. As a kid, I was taught to avoid conflict and hide away if someone was mean to me. All the modern-era talk from adults of “stand up for yourself” and “be a strong woman” was just… talk. In practice, I was just supposed to accept verbal abuse with a shrug.
So when The Wasband criticized my hair, my body, the way I dressed, I took it. When he provided criticism in the form of business advice, I took it. This was the support and understanding I had been craving - right? Being a solo business owner was lonely, and his opinions - they didn’t feel good, but they felt like I wasn’t doing it all alone.
To avoid the conflict and the criticism, I started dressing differently, speaking differently, and isolating myself from my friends.
My business suffered. The Was had a business of his own, which he folded. He joined my business and asserted that he was a 50% partner. But he would criticize and diminish any new project before it ever came to life. It was as though I was supposed to be his teacher, but he couldn’t accept the role of student.
As for the rest of our marriage, it eventually came out that he was addicted to porn and didn’t love me completely. I had to hear that he actively hated parts of me and didn’t want to procreate with my genes. He didn't want a lover, he wanted a mother. Yet it wasn’t until he said, “I only want to be married to you if we remain, business partners,” that I truly woke up.
I had survived without a stable job. But I had allowed this man to shake my confidence, and deflate my business.
I always knew I didn't need a man - but I had wanted one. Was it possible to reconcile a desire for a truly loving romantic partner with the thrill of being an empowered female entrepreneur? I left my marriage with this question - this hope - in mind
I wish I could say everyone rallied around me, but my family's reaction? They told me they'd rather adopt The Wasband because he was "so good for me." I had done such a good job hiding my suffering for the six years we were together that they had NO IDEA what was going on. They thought the changes in my personality, dress, and business were the results of aging. Like a dangerous snake, he had tightened his grip and suffocated my spirit slowly. I had barely noticed for so long, and people around me remained clueless.
Now, a few years since that marriage ended, I've rediscovered myself. I've once again created a thriving business and continue to create the life of my dreams. I've helped my clients -and myself - see that strong women can be in strong, nurturing relationships. I've seen new relationships manifest, and long-standing relationships become more meaningful for both partners. I've decided to focus my coaching exclusively on intimacy and partnership.
I'm happy to say I'm currently a Matriarchal Boss Babe here to create the Equalarchy. Now I teach strong women aka Boss Babes how to have it all, from the boardroom, bedroom and beyond!